Mission Entirely Possible

ACT I

Blacks. A futon made up as bed UC. Wardrobe, apparently of the flat-pack variety, CL on a concealed truck. This has a false back, to allow for exit. The back can also be converted via an add-on section to a fully fitted computer desk with chair. Very large screen, suspended above headboard height UC. Extraordinarily large alarm clock on UL side of bed. The action is continuous.

Note on performance: There are occasions when one or both performers come 'out of character' and speak as themselves.

LX 1 slow fade up on bed area to complete by end of FX 4
FX 1 alarm call 1 - news item warning of the dangers of global warming
(JAQUI reaches arm out from under bed covers, turns off alarm, arm back under covers.)
10 sec pause
FX 2 alarm call 2 - news coverage of the famine in Bangladesh
(JAQUI raises up on one elbow, turns off alarm, gets back under covers.)
10 sec pause
FX 3 alarm call 3 - news coverage of HIV/Aids dating from the initial panic period
(JAQUI sits half up, turns off alarm, gets back under covers.)
10 sec pause
FX 4 alarm call 4 - news coverage of war in the Balkans
(JAQUI sits bolt upright, turns off alarm, contemplates getting up, then falls back pulling covers over head.)
10 sec pause
FX 5 alarm call 5 - collage of news headlines increasing in volume to include GM crops, twin towers, cloning, current Aids situation, Invasion of Iraq, BBC and Hutton enquiry, Blunket anti-terrorist legislation, updated as necessary.
JAQUI: (flailing about and finally standing mid bed with hands over ears shouting. She is wearing winciette pyjamas with teddy bears on them and bed socks.) I'm up, I'm up, Ok, Ok, I'm awake, I'm awake! God help me, this madness has to stop!
LX 2 spot DR
FX 6 Snippet of 'I Believe in Miracles' - Hot Chocolate.
CHERYL: (enters, dressed as French Maid, carrying silver tray with a pen and a cigarette lighter. A large false hand on a stick clutching a note is slung across one shoulder on a strap. Stands posing in DR spot. JAQUI watches in amazement. Happily.) Hi. (Smiles profusely at audience.)
JAQUI: (crosses DR. Throughout the next interchange both JAQUI and CHERYL smile brightly at audience whenever possible. Whispering, appalled.) What d'you think you're doing?
CHERYL: (whispering, happily.) I'm a plot device, aren't I?
JAQUI: (whispering, crossly.) Not a catastrophic attempt at a French maid, then?
CHERYL: (whispering, slightly nettled.) A perfectly executed realisation of a French maid, thank you… coupled with… a plot device.
JAQUI: No, I'm sorry. (To audience.) I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I can't go on with this. It's an absolute shambles. It's a travesty. (To CHERYL.) What in the name of Ewan McGregor did you think you were doing?
CHERYL: What do you mean?
JAQUI: What do I mean? Coming on dressed like that, what do you think?
CHERYL: (with conviction.) I'm affording visual impact.
JAQUI: How much?
CHERYL: (slowly as though speaking to someone slow on the uptake.) I'm affording visual impact.
JAQUI: (looks nonplussed.) Nope, sorry, I just don't get it.
CHERYL: (calmly.) Look, you said, back at the initial planning meeting, you said it was vital for the integrity of the whole piece that we grab the audience's attention in the first minute and a half.
JAQUI: Yes, b…
CHERYL: (as though to a child.) And I know you do that sound… thing, at the beginning. And fair play that's good, it is. But…
JAQUI: (Needled) But?
CHERYL: (coaxingly.) But, it's not visual is it? - Well, is it?
JAQUI: (on the back foot.) It's a bit visual.
CHERYL: (kind but adamant.) Not very visual. And I mean not everyone's going to be audios are they? Stands to reason, demographically some of them are going to be visuals. So, in order to maximise our group connection, enter me, plot device and visual impact. And I worked. I grabbed the audience's attention. Well, (Pointing to and waving at specific member of the audience.) I grabbed his. (Identifies more individuals.) And his, and his, and hers!
JAQUI: (sighing heavily.) I knew it was a mistake you going on that Arts Council marketing course. I said at the time…
CHERYL: (slightly put out.) But, of course, if that's not what's wanted I can always go and change.
JAQUI: Into what exactly?
CHERYL: Well… (Enthusiastically.) I've got the things I came in. Sort of nondescript trousers and an old Barry Manilow Coca Cabanna Tour T-shirt. (Makes to leave.) Shouldn't take me more than five minutes.
JAQUI: (through gritted teeth.) No, no, no. Let's just go on as we are.