from January - March 2004

I've spent nearly four months spiritually in this 'wilderness' since then, feeling very isolated and cut off from tangible reference points. A feeling only heightened by the fact that my usual small but incredible loyal team of friends, who normally support me through thick and thin, have all needed to devote their time and energies to personal issues. My underlying faith is as strong as ever, but I miss my personified reassurance, and a part of me has been putting off getting back in touch with my inner guidance in case, under these new circumstances, I can't find a way to access it. Today I decided is the day and, as I sit with my first question, the answering words just arrive in my head with no accompanying visual image. I record the 'conversation', using lower case for myself and upper case for the responses I'm given.

Am I still in the wilderness?
Am I still wrestling with handing over control of my life to 'spirit'?

There is no response. I interpret this as an invitation for me to work it out for myself.
I know my Guides and Angels are always with me. If I keep that thought large I feel less isolated and lonely. I know I need to come to a point where I rely on myself for my information. When I arrive at this stage the knowledge I need will come directly from 'spirit' to me, continuously in all situations. I know I already connect with this direct sense of simply 'knowing' on occasions. But is what I'm seeking and trying to work towards, this constant conscious connection to spirit, actually practically sustainable for a human?
Is it possible for me, in this lifetime?
It feels like there's a seemingly endless series of tests to be gone through. Maybe it would be helpful to think about this in another more positive way. Not as tests, which have attached connotations of pass, fail and difficult, but as periods of information and skill acquisition. Looked at this way it makes it feel easier to accept times like this. I'm aware there are moments when I can access shed loads of genuine deeply felt gratitude. So large in fact I can't fully express it in words for all that's being shown, offered, given to me. What part of me is it then that can feel all that and yet still be so restless. I have a real desire to see the 'syllabus', and to have some idea of where I am within it. But I realise this might not be appropriate right now. I've been thinking about what action to take apart from aiding my physical healing and writing 'Outside -In'. Does it matter one jot what action I decide to take?
I knew that was going to be the answer. But at one level it still makes me want to go AAAAAAAAAAAH! And smash a plate or three.