from January - March 2004
I've spent nearly four months spiritually in this
'wilderness' since then, feeling very isolated and cut off from
tangible reference points. A feeling only heightened by the fact
that my usual small but incredible loyal team of friends, who normally
support me through thick and thin, have all needed to devote their
time and energies to personal issues. My underlying faith is as
strong as ever, but I miss my personified reassurance, and a part
of me has been putting off getting back in touch with my inner guidance
in case, under these new circumstances, I can't find a way to access
it. Today I decided is the day and, as I sit with my first question,
the answering words just arrive in my head with no accompanying
visual image. I record the 'conversation', using lower case for
myself and upper case for the responses I'm given.
Am I still in the wilderness?
Am I still wrestling with handing over control of my life to 'spirit'?
There is no response. I interpret this as an invitation for me to
work it out for myself.
I know my Guides and Angels are always with me. If I keep that
thought large I feel less isolated and lonely. I know I need to
come to a point where I rely on myself for my information. When
I arrive at this stage the knowledge I need will come directly from
'spirit' to me, continuously in all situations. I know I already
connect with this direct sense of simply 'knowing' on occasions.
But is what I'm seeking and trying to work towards, this constant
conscious connection to spirit, actually practically sustainable
for a human?
Is it possible for me, in this lifetime?
ONLY YOU KNOW THAT
It feels like there's a seemingly endless series of tests to be
gone through. Maybe it would be helpful to think about this in another
more positive way. Not as tests, which have attached connotations
of pass, fail and difficult, but as periods of information and skill
acquisition. Looked at this way it makes it feel easier to accept
times like this. I'm aware there are moments when I can access shed
loads of genuine deeply felt gratitude. So large in fact I can't
fully express it in words for all that's being shown, offered, given
to me. What part of me is it then that can feel all that and yet
still be so restless. I have a real desire to see the 'syllabus',
and to have some idea of where I am within it. But I realise this
might not be appropriate right now. I've been thinking about what
action to take apart from aiding my physical healing and writing
'Outside -In'. Does it matter one jot what action I decide to take?
IN ONE SENSE NO, IN ANOTHER YES.
I knew that was going to be the answer. But at one level it still
makes me want to go AAAAAAAAAAAH! And smash a plate or three.